They shouldn't be allowed to babysit
by ArtemisApollo97
Summary: Leo and Louisa had ONE JOB and that was just to simply watch Tobias for a few hours. Title says it all. Rated T for swearing, some Leoisa


**I did a one-shot of Percy babysitting his nephew for the first time, so I'm going to do one where Lou babysits her nephew for the first time, i.e Tobias ^_^ He's about a year old.**

* * *

"It'll be _fine_." Louisa waved it off. "Can't be that hard lookin' after a baby, surely?"

"Don't you ever become a mother." Annabeth shook her head. "Tobias has schedule, please stick to it." Louisa raised a brow. "He's already had breakfast, but he'll want something by eleven, so give him one of the biscuits in the bag. He has a nap about one and has lunch when he wakes up." Annabeth worried at her lip for a moment, eyes widening as she remembered something else- "He always has his bottle for naptime as well. And his blanket."

"I have babysat before."

"But that was with us around or at our place, I- no, you're right, you're right. I shouldn't be worrying, I trust you and you know what you're doing."

"Gee, if you can't convince me, how the heck are ya gonna convince yaself?" Louisa clapped once and held her hands out to her nephew. Tobias smiled at her, wiggling to get cuddles from his favourite aunt. Annabeth hesitated, holding onto him. A car horn beeped outside. "Percy's waitin'." Louisa translated. "Look, if it's any consolation, Leo's here. He's good with kids, right?"

"Yeah…" Annabeth passed her son over. Louisa balanced him on her hip and grinned.

"Then naff off. We've got everythin' we need; we can manage for a few hours. Ain't that right, Squirtface?"

"Lou!" Tobias beamed.

"Good choice. You still here?"

"Any problems-"

"You're only a phone call away." Leo smiled, popping up at Louisa's shoulder. "I'll keep an eye on things, Beth, don't worry." More beeping. Annabeth cursed in Ancient Greek.

"OK, OK. Thank you. Tobias," she kissed the tot's forehead, "be good." Tobias drooled in reply. Louisa wrinkled her nose and smushed her nephew's bib in his face. Annabeth froze, but Tobias seemed to like this game, pushing the bib down and giggling. Louisa grabbed Annabeth's arm and forcefully spun her round, giving her a shove in the back to get her moving.

"There." Louisa said, kicking the door shut. "It's harder lookin' after the mom than the kid, I'm sure." Leo nodded in agreement, eyeing the clock.

"Lou!" Tobias chimed.

"Can you say 'Leo'?" Leo pouted. Tobias looked at him. "Le-o. Leeeee-o. Dude, come on. Le. O."

"L- Le-"

"O. Just say _O_. Le- _O._ "

"Lou!"

"Dammit."

"Ahaha," Louisa grinned victoriously, "good Squirtface." Tobias blew a raspberry and stuck his fingers in his mouth, resting his head on Louisa's shoulder. Leo made a face, distracting himself with the contents of the baby bag. Tobias perked up upon seeing his favourite toys appear, bouncing on Louisa's hip to get them. Louisa set him down and Leo rained baby toys from the bag. Tobias squealed and kicked his feet excitedly, scooping them all towards him.

"What now?"

"I don't know, babies ain't that excitin'." Louisa shrugged. "Let him play, I guess." Louisa took a step away and Tobias yelled. "What?" Louisa demanded. Tobias crawled through the mound of toys and latched onto her leg. "What?" Louisa said again, perplexed. Leo snorted. "No, get off." Louisa lifted her foot, Tobias came with it.

"Aw, bless."

"No, not _aw bless_. Get off."

"Lou!" Tobias insisted.

"I think he wants you to play, Lou."

"Ugh, no." Louisa looked down. Tobias fixed stormy eyes on her and she sighed. "Fine." She put her foot down, doubling over to pry her nephew off. He protested until she sat down, cross-legged on the floor. He smiled and clambered into her lap. Leo snapped a picture and ran for the kitchen. "Leo!" Louisa scolded. "Valdez, don't- delete that! Valdez!" Leo only went back when he had caffeine to protect him. By this point, Louisa had a toy rabbit in one hand and an elephant in the other and Tobias was squashing the life from his blue teddy bear. "I don't even know what's goin' on." Louisa admitted, shaking the toys as if they were having a conversation. Tobias added his own babble, nestling back against Louisa's stomach. Leo got his phone out again, another picture. Louisa glared at him, but when she made to get up, Tobias clamped onto her and refused to let go until she stayed put.

"It's sweet." Leo smirked. Louisa said nothing, hunching her shoulders and sulking. Leo sunk onto the sofa, propping his feet on the coffee table and sipping his coffee. Tobias 'talked' to each toy, showed each one to Louisa and babbled some more. Louisa made noises of agreement, nodding and taking each toy presented to her. Leo felt a hot rush go through his chest, a frown momentarily darkening his features. At her questioning look, he quickly smiled, despite the furnace brewing behind his ribs. _Stop it, Valdez_ , he mentally reprimanded himself, _it's not going to happen, don't keep doing this to yourself_.

* * *

Eleven o'clock hit and Tobias looked up, fingers in his mouth once more. It took Leo a minute to realise Louisa was talking to him, only coming back to his senses when she snapped her fingers. "Biscuit." Leo remembered. "Right, right. Biscuit." He set his mug down and hurried to the baby bag. Tobias kicked his feet and wailed. "Hey!" Leo called. "Tobias, look! What's this?" Leo found the biscuit packet and bounced over, crouching before the infant. "Tobias, biscuit. Say 'ta'." Leo insisted, holding the biscuit out. Tobias clicked his tongue, chubby hands grasping the snack. "I suppose that works too."

"You alright, Valdez?"

"I'm fine."

"Tell ya face that then, will ya?"

"Now that'll be an interesting conversation." She pinched his leg and waved him away. Leo reclaimed his seat and made faces into his coffee.

Tobias got bored of his toys by twenty past. Louisa took him away to change his diaper and then came back, sitting her nephew on the sofa next to Leo. Tobias smiled up at his uncle, grasping his toes and rocking back and forth. Louisa sat on the floor, folding her arms on the seat cushion and resting her chin on them. Tobias pushed his foot against her elbow experimentally, still smiling. "Lou!"

"Can ya say anythin' else?"

"Lou!"

"How about-"

"Leo." Leo cut in. "Say 'Leo'." Tobias simply plonked his head on Leo's side and smiled more. "You little gremlin, say 'Leo'."

"Don't call him a 'gremlin'." Louisa reprimanded. "He's Squirtface."

"Because that's better."

"Lou!"

"No, say _Leo_." Leo poked Tobias's leg and the tot giggled. They kept this up for nearly half an hour, maybe more and all Tobias could say was 'Lou!' And it wasn't just 'Leo' they were trying to get him to say, but 'Mammy', 'Daddy', 'teddy', 'bottle'- all the generic terms. Tobias started chanting 'Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou' until Louisa herself was getting annoyed at her own name. "That's it," she decided, "I'm changin' my name to Defenestration."

"That's a word?"

"It means throwin' someone out the window. Annabeth taught me it 'n' there ain't no way you can say that." She smirked at her nephew. Tobias thought for a moment.

"Lou!"

"Ya little shit."

"Shit!" The change on Louisa's face was instant.

"Noooooo, no, don't say that, no!" Tobias laughed and said it again, very proud of himself. "No!" Louisa panicked, pulling on her hair. "No, Tobias, no! Go back to saying 'Lou'!" Leo was beside himself with hysterical laughter. Tobias took up another chant, except, this time, it was:

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!"

"Stop it!" Louisa despaired. "Annabeth's gonna kill me, stop sayin' it!" Tobias said it again. Louisa snatched him up, clamping a hand over his mouth. "Lose the child, lose the child, lose the child. Oooh, where can I lose him?" She started in one direction, doubled back, went one way and then another, not going any more than a few steps each way. "Leo, help!"

"Annabeth was right; you should never become a mother."

"Leo, that's not helpin'!" She dithered on the spot, hopping from one foot to another. Tobias seemed most amused under her arm, mumbling behind her palm. "Here, you take him!"

"Whoa, no! I'm not getting the blame for your foul mouth."

"Leo, please! I'll do anythin'! To an extent." She added under her breath. "Just take the child 'n' lose him somewhere. They'll undoubtedly have loads more, who cares?"

"Your voice is getting uncharacteristically high." Leo pointed out.

"I'm a terrible aunt!" She wailed, dropping to her knees. She held Tobias up to him. "Just… take him. I'm not lookin'. Take the child 'n' go. I'll say it was a fit of madness. No, stop sayin' it! Of all the words ya could've said, ya picked the one that wasn't directed at you! Oooh, I'm puttin' you up for adoption."

"You can't do that."

"Watch me."

"Annabeth really _will_ kill you."

"I'll hide. I'm real good at hidin', she'll never find me."

"And what about me?"

"What about you?"

"I'm a witness! If she can't kill you, she'll kill me! And I was supposed to keep an eye on things, oooh, we're both in trouble." Leo grabbed her by the shoulders. "Right, get the passports, I'll pack, we're going to Mexico, but if anyone asks, it's New Zealand, we're going to New Zealand, OK?"

"I can't fly, remember? Lord Sparky will shoot us out of the sky in a heartbeat."

"Then we'll steal a boat, we'll get a boat. Travel the world."

"Lose the child somewhere in the Pacific."

"It's a plan, let's go." Leo squeezed her shoulders and they nodded. She went past him towards the kitchen and he went to his room. They both went back and met up in the middle of the living room five seconds later. "Where are we going to get a boat?"

"If she can't find us, Percy will, Percy can track us out on the sea."

"Lou! This is why we never plan anything! Oh, gods help us when we become parents." He sighed. Louisa fixed a questioning look on him and Leo tensed. "Uh, I meant… like, if I ever had kids or if you ever had kids, when either one of us becomes a parent, doesn't mean we'll be parents together, who said anything about being parents together, that's just… pfft, that's ludicrous, I think I'll go somewhere else, you can go to Mexico, I'll go to Canada, wink wink, nudge nudge, I'm actually not going there, see you in hell."

"Why are you blatherin'? Stop blatherin', we have ta figure this out."

"Shit!" Tobias put in.

"That's it." Louisa snapped her fingers, an idea dawning on her. "Duct tape."

"What?"

"Gimme duct tape."

"I'm not going to let you duct tape a child, you've done enough damage!"

"You wanted to go to Mexico!"

"I just said there's a reason we don't make plans, they never work!"

"Yours tend to blow up in ya face!"

"Yours end up with problems like this!" Leo gestured at Tobias, who swore again, smiling without a care in the world. Louisa made to retort when a phone started ringing. Both of them froze. "That's your phone."

"I ain't answerin' it."

"Might not be Annabeth."

"Probably is." Louisa retrieved her phone, holding it at arm's length. Annabeth's caller ID- Blondie- came up. "It is, it is! Quick, you answer it!"

"No, she's ringing you!"

"No she's not!" Louisa threw her phone and it smashed on the wall. The ringing stopped. "Not anymore!" Louisa grinned triumphantly. Two seconds later, Leo's phone started ringing. "Lemme throw that too."

"Phones aren't cheap, no!" Louisa made a grab for it. "Whoa, no! Lou, get off, mind Tob- ooh, it answered, it answered!"

"No! Hang up!"

"No!" Annabeth's voice cut through. "Don't hang up! What's going on? Why are you being idiots?"

"When aren't we being idiots?" Leo laughed nervously.

"What have you done?" Annabeth demanded. "Have you broken my son?"

"No."

"Liars. What did you do?"

"Hey, uh, bad connection-" Leo made breaking up noises. "Going through a tunnel-" Louisa joined in. Annabeth protested, saying they couldn't possibly go through a tunnel in the middle of their apartment. "Talk to you later!" Leo cut off and switched his phone on silent. "We're dead."

"So dead."

"There's got to be something we can do?"

"Excuse me." The pair yelped and jumped a few feet back. Annabeth glared at them via IM. "Nice tunnel."

"Recently furnished." Leo squeaked. Louisa had her free hand tight over her mouth, not looking Annabeth in the eye. "So, uh, how's things?" Leo smiled sheepishly, covering Tobias's mouth with his hand. "Where's Percy?"

"Hi." Percy leant around Annabeth and waved. "What's going on? Why does Lou look like she's going to be sick?"

"Um, funny lunch?" Leo hunched his shoulders.

"You either tell me what the hell is going on or we're coming straight back!" Annabeth fumed.

"Now, there's no need for that!" Leo hurriedly said, making calm down motions with his hands. Tobias lifted his head and smiled at his parents.

"Shit!" Leo quickly realised his mistake, trying to shush the child. The damage was done. Percy and Annabeth were gaping at them; Louisa was doing her nervous hopping again and Tobias was wiggling to avoid being shushed.

" _What_ did he just say?"

"Ship! He said ship!" Leo managed to get a hand over Tobias's mouth again. "Lou was telling him a story about pirates, so, like, pirate ship, he said ship. Couldn't have been anything else, I mean, why would it be? We're responsible babysitters and judging by the looks on your faces, we're moving to New Zealand, _passports passports_." He hissed from the corner of his mouth, tapping Louisa's arm as if to Tag her.

They didn't even make it to the harbour.


End file.
